I’m afraid to go for it
Like a man looking at the world through a keyhole, I keep thinking to myself, ‘Maybe I am just tired and all I need is a little break.’ But inner me says, ‘No, you are just afraid to go for it. You are afraid that what if you go all in and fail, how are you going to live with yourself?’
Normally, and I’m only using normally because I am assuming this is what I do in such situations. If I encountered a challenge like say, creating a website or building a platform, I’d dive right in and be like, let’s do this.
The only difference this time is that my life depends on it. I have a job to do in less than 9 days, a website to build in less than 3, hopefully, a platform to build in a month or less and let’s not forget about school.
All good challenges. Interesting stuff, I might add. The only problem is, I am now scared to go for it. What if I am not good enough? What if I can’t do it?
I think I know what is happening but controlling it is another. I want to self-sabotage then blame it on someone because it didn’t work out like I wanted it to.
This stupid organ sitting
I am blaming the month of August because I feel it has been shitty. But you and I know that is total bs. I am the master of my…something. I think it is “master of my destiny/life??” Ugh, Nobody gives a fuck anyway.
After all this time I’ve put in, the long hours, the things I’ve sacrificed, I don’t want all that to be in vain. So fuck waiting to see what I’ll do about it, fuck patience. I’ve had a shitty month but all I know is that it gets better —or even worse.
It’s hard to stay inside my head when words keep pouring out. Like starlight crashing through the room, I’ll lose my feathers. Yes, I know it hurts at first but it gets better.
There’s a fire in the sky, some snow on the ground and not quite enough cigarettes to calm me down. This is really happening.