The light at the end of the tunnel
Let’s back up for a moment. I was a vain, greedy, cruel boy. I was ungrateful, shameless and self-centered. I let my insecurities cloud my mind and impair my judgment. I had become the thing I hate most, a walking negative energy. Destroying everything and anything that I touched.
It is hard to accept but, yeah. I actually had become that guy. But, in my defense though, I was hurting too and the only way to let all that energy I had bottled up inside was to unleash it upon those that happened to be closest to me.
There’s nothing I can do to undo all the damage I have done. All I know is, I am truly sorry to all those I did damage, mostly emotionally.
Unthinkable is what it is, me writing about this. But, I feel this is one way to let it all out, let it all go. Getting rid of the old so I can totally embrace the new.
Entitlement is a dangerous feeling. One that had consumed me in all honesty. I felt like the world did owe me something, for my “generosity”, my “kindness”, my dashing looks. I thought I deserved it all, which is not a bad feeling but I did not understand why I thought and felt that I deserved anything, to begin with.
This lack of understanding led me down a dark path, of self-loathing, bitterness and cruelty.
There was always a light at the end of the tunnel, it was not the most reliable, I mean, it too could go out sometimes but, I acknowledge that it was there.
She was there, and, through her, I began to learn about myself, my insecurities, my weaknesses, my strengths, my hopes, and dreams.
But it didn’t take long for me to do what I did best, extinguish that light too.
There I was, alone in the darkness, hoping and wishing I could rekindle the flame but I was a little too late because,
She didn’t get it, he just let it slip away
And he just lay there, wondering…
—The nostalgia machine: Do you ever by Seal